Blog

Cheryl Strayed is the author of a book called Wild which was voted the #1 non-fiction book for 2012 by more than a few sources.  In Wild, Cheryl describes hiking the Pacific Crest Trail which is a nature trail that runs along the coast of California through many national parks, both desert and mountain ranges, from Mexico all the way up to Canada.  I found the book to be a delightful read so as soon as I finished, I excitedly bought another of her books, Tiny Beautiful Things.  Tiny Beautiful Things, is a self-help, Dear Abby style narrative that includes readers writing in with their problems and Cheryl (otherwise known as Sugar) answering their questions.  It is surprising and enlightening in the way she thoughtfully, thoroughly and completely answers their most gut-wrenching questions using several pages to answer.  There are letters about dealing with finding love when you have a disease that distorts your appearance, letters about the grief of finding out your loved one is dying, letters from someone who is recovering from a sexual assault, and other letters about making relationship decisions, career decisions, dealing with getting along with your ex/father of your child whom she humorously calls “Baby Daddy” and on and on.  She uses succinct metaphors to drive her point home to the reader and she often admits she agonizes for days on how best to respond to a particular question.  In one response to someone addicted to prescription medications, she outlines in detail step-by-step (so that they don’t have to think – because who can think straight when you have an addiction problem) what they need to do.  But what I find the most interesting is that Strayed uses her own personal experiences, some of which were horrific, talking about them so candidly and openly that it makes you feel that you are not alone but also that healing is possible.  I admire openness not only because it’s so hard to do, but I believe in it because how else can we heal other than by learning from each other?

Tiny Beautiful Things by Cheryl Strayed

Self-mutilation is a relatively common issue that affects teenagers and adults (more girls than boys) and it usually starts around age 13-14.  I have treated many teens with this issue and it DOES get better.  Generally, expressing and talking are the first steps in “taking the lid” off of feelings that are being internalized.  I notice trends in teens who mutilate themselves.  They are generally sensitive individuals who tend to hold their feelings in rather speak about them.  They have a high need to be liked.  Talking about things helps people generate other alternatives – it opens the door to new perspectives.  Holding things in leads to rumination and increased emotional intensity.  Girls and boys who self-mutilate need to learn other coping skills they can put into place rather than self-harm.  They have to sensitively be asked to share their feelings in a non-judgmental environment as they are so attuned to other’s emotions even slight judgment can put the lid back on the emotions and keep the cycle in place.  Self-mutilation is the individual’s attempt at coping with painful feelings by cutting on the self to relieve some of the pain and pressure from the issue.  I found an article that goes into more detail about self-mutilation that I’m going to post below.

I watched an episode of my favorite show The Dog Whisperer recently.  Actually, now he has a new show called Leader of the Pack where they pick the perfect owner for a dog that has a lot of “issues”.  Last week, there were two fairly “normal” families and one lady who was very nervous, so much so that she hadn’t slept in a week prior to the show.  I found it wonderfully refreshing that Cesar was drawn to the more sensitive woman who already had four dogs, eleven cats, and 23 chickens.  Even though she was a nervous wreck he said “It’s people like this who have good instincts”.  So my message is, this over sensitivity that leads to internalized feelings which leads to difficulty managing emotions is usually indicative of gifts that can be channeled and utilized in a positive way.

Here is a quote I found by a girl who cuts:

I kept cutting, because it worked.  When I cut, I felt better for a while.  When I cut, my life no longer overwhelmed me.  I felt too keenly the thread of chaos, of how things can get away from you in a thousand ways.  Bodies expand, grades plummet, pets die, paint peels, ice caps melt, genocide erupts.  Entropy keeps eating at the ramparts, and I cut to shore them up.  I cut to lay down a line between before and after, between self and other, chaos and clarity.  I cut as an affirmation of hope, saying, “I have drawn the line and I am still on this side of it”.  - Caroline Kettlewell

http://www.webmd.com/anxiety-panic/guide/self-injury

Also, here is a good book on the topic entitled Bodily Harm by Karen Conterio, Wendy Lader, and Jennifer Kingston Bloom

http://www.amazon.com/Bodily-Harm-Breakthrough-Healing-Self-Injurers/dp/0786885041/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1359137303&sr=8-1&keywords=bodily+harm

We must see that consciousness is neither an isolated soul nor the mere function of a single nervous system, but of that totality of interrelated stars and galaxies which makes a nervous system possible.  - Alan Watts

http://youtu.be/TsPuNJEfDJw

There is a poem that hangs in my office.  It hung in my kitchen as I was growing up.  My mother had purchased it at an auction because she loved antique pictures.  We barely read it or looked at it I think – it was merely a novelty with a nice frame.  Then, in 1992, my brother was killed in a car accident.  I was 20.  At that time I looked everywhere for comfort.  I would sit at the table and read this poem over and over and over.  So I thought I would share it with you today.

PEACE AND ASSURANCE

The Heavenly Shepherd assured me

Of peace if I’d walk in His way,

Of hope for my every tomorrow,

Of strength for my every today.

I pondered the promised assurance

And wondered just how it could be,

It staggered my mind while beholding

The gift that He offered to me.

I tried being good to be worthy

Of such a magnificent gem,

Until He revealed that my goodness

Could not gain acceptance with Him.

Then, just as a child, I received it

And claimed it as my due,

Now, that which I’ve found so sufficient

I recommend highly to you.

-       Richard M. “Pek” Gunn

I like to take thoughts and break them down.  This one is sure to upset even the most popular person on the planet.  Let’s really look at it.  Nobody means no body.  That’s pretty extreme.  For one, how do you know?  How many times per day do you tell people how much you care about them?  Oh, not that many?  Ok, so the world isn’t a “tell you they care about you” machine so it’s possible you are not getting accurate feedback on the issue.  Ok.  On the average, what do you spend your time thinking about?  This is why I ask people to track their thoughts.  Do YOU spend your time caring about people?  I’m sure a bunch of you out there will say YES!  Ok then, but for the rest of the time what are you thinking about?  Most people say worrying about their health, money, body, work, boss, kids, war, cleanliness, feeling overwhelmed, wondering if they are crazy, wishing they were happier, wanting companionship – the standard worry thoughts.  These thoughts are how everyone is going around preoccupying their mind.  Sometimes, they may or may not take their minds off these addictive thoughts and think about you.  Is any of this your fault?  What part can you control?  You can control your own mind and caring about yourself.  Oh, yes… the usual answer you might say.

What is “care-about-able” about you?  (Yes, I have to make up words to make this point)  Are you in some way not care-about-able?  Be specific.  Do you have something specific in mind that you think is unlovable and therefore you feel that this is the reason that no one cares about you.  If you do, we need to write this down and question it.  I could also ask you if you are inside other people’s heads so that you know what they are thinking about.  I could also ask you this question:  Suppose you absolutely knew someone was just totally enamored with you – they think everything you do is absolutely the best, cutest, smartest thing ever – well, how do you know they are really seeing you and not a fantasy of you they have in their mind?

OK – so really overanalyzing this can make the world almost seem cold if everyone is just going around having fantasies and none of us really know each other; I have a hard time believing this is true.  But one time I felt like a certain person didn’t like me.  So I wrote down, “Do you like this person?”  The answer was no.  “Do you respect this person – their values, opinions, beliefs?  Do they really do the work on their thoughts so that they don’t hurt people with false judgments?”  I answered after reflecting, “No”.  So then why did I care whether or not this person cared about me?  Right then, I stopped caring what they thought.

Next point to make here:  often times, we are dead wrong about what we think other people think about us.  I know of people who might think I don’t like them but I do like them and I have a ton of cute little memories about them in my head.  And, often times, people do care about us if we really do the inquiry to ask and watch.  Sometimes, we aren’t reaching out to other people and making ourselves available and so it becomes obvious that there is a block that originates with us and not anyone else.  AND, if you are around people who don’t care EXPAND YOUR CIRCLE.  Go to meetings, social groups, support groups, volunteer, go to conferences, find a church or a meditation class…. Get out there and mix things up!  It’s SO painful to watch people evaluate themselves based on what one or two other people happen to think and normally those people aren’t respectable people anyway or they just plain do not have all the information.

You can get super deep and metaphysical with this too if you want (or not).  Who are you?  Are you so sure you know?  Who are they?  Are they out there in the world or inside your mind?  Did you make up everything you know about them?

Do you know there are about 1 million possible thoughts going around in people’s heads all the time?  So do you really think you can pick out exactly what’s going on with people so that you know what they think so that you know who they are so that you know you can make an accurate assessment of their “caring-omometer”?  Do you know how they put thoughts together based on their own past traumas?

One thing I would also like to study is why people do get cold and hardened to others.  What is that exactly?  But that’s a question for another essay day.  One answer that pops to mind is PROJECTION.  Sometimes I see people projecting onto other people that they are mean or scary or intimidating when they really are not.  This actually makes them the mean scary ones with a block to intimacy if you think about it.  But, I said I would talk about this on another day.

Warm regards until next time,

Laura